I'm a
Christian fundamentalist sadly aware the label makes many people think I'm
anti-science, condemn them to Hell, want to police what goes on their bedrooms,
and am filled with prejudicial hatred that come out in jokes like, You know why
Osama bin Laden and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad don't eat with their left hands? Because they're afraid of licking off
their brains.
The list
of negatives goes on and on. In
the interest of understanding and brotherhood, I would like to clear up the
grosser of these misunderstandings and so offer this irregular series to give
Bible-based, Spirit-filled insights of what it means to have God smile on me
and not you.
Let's
examine the most important issue.
I do not want to be in your bedroom. Honest to God, unless you lead with a 36 double D rack, own
a chain of liquor stores, can yodel and have invited me with a fetching jingle
of your handcuffs, I don't even want to be in your house.
I'm not
asking what you do in your bedroom, so please don't tell me. Don't tell my children. Don't bring a cucumber to elementary
school as part of the syllabus for an anti-pregnancy prevention program. In case you haven't notice, in spite of
increasingly detailed sex education, illegitimate babies are on the rise while
the age of unwed mothers is spiraling downward.
I'm
sorry. I take that back. There are no illegitimate children in
God's eyes. But I think that
fathers who abandon their children and girls who keep having babies to get more
welfare are on the road to Hell.
In fact, I
think most people I know are on a superhighway to Hell. H-80 I call it, and good riddance I
say. If you had my neighbors,
friends and family members, the point would not have to be discussed. As it is...and here's the rub...if I
get the chance, I'm supposed to talk them out of it. I'm not supposed to nudge them there in any way.
For some
people there is confusion on this point.
Christian fundamentalists are lumped in with Islamic fundamentalists.
Islamists think most people are going to Hell too, and if you lived in their
countries, you could understand it.
But the worst you'll get from a Christian is some foamer on a street
corner giving you a little comic book.
For the Moslem, it's strap explosives to a kid and send him into the
local pizza parlor.
For you seekers after Truth, look here again for when I give more apologies. My wife says that should be apologetics, but what does
she know? She's Catholic.